Philosophical Ramblings

Perfectionism devours the self, driving one into slavery to perceived success, where one feels almost compelled to devote copious amounts of mental and emotional resources and energy into one sole cause – self glorification. I am guilty of perfectionism.

Ashleigh and I encountered an incredibly interesting article this weekend in Psychology Today by Hara Estroff Marano, on perfectionism. The abstract, basically summarizing the entire premise of the article read, “Perfectionism may be the ultimate self-defeating behaviour. It turns people into slaves of success – but keeps them focused on failure, dooming them to a lifetime of doubt and depression. It also winds up undermining [the meaning of achievement in the modern world." Slavery to success... doubt... these words annunciated the sound of some truth to me. Over the past year I have been highly success-oriented. In a way, I've lost perspective or am loosing perspective on what is really important in life. Reason tells me, rightfully so, that success is not so important and that getting a B+ or anything below isn't going to result in a catastrophic end to all life on earth. But emotion and inner doubt, against all auspices of reason, tells me otherwise and drives me to fear anything less than success as failure. Irrational, right? It might be. But try to understand how difficult it can be sometimes for the voice of reason to overcome emotion.

In its first paragraph, the article states: "Adaptability is the characteristic that enables the species to survive - and if there's one thing perfectionism does, it rigidifies behaviour." Rigidifies behaviour in the sense that any alternative to what is perceived as "success" is quite simply considered not good enough. It "is an endless report card; it keeps people completely self-absorbed, engaged in perpetual self-evaluation- reaping endless frustration" at the inevitable continual encounter with perceived imperfections. In that way, perfection, to a perfectionist, is ever elusive. One never reaches 'the top'- he must always go further, beyond his own achievements and plans. This reminds me of a quote from the Desiderata poem, which reads: "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself; Enjoy your plans as well as your achievements." I'm oft good at giving this advice, but seldom am I good at applying it myself. Indeed, it is true to say though, that in comparing myself to others that I have become vain and embittered. Again, reason tells me not to. It screams in my mind and tells me to not compare; to conquer my perfectionism.

"Perfectionists fear that a mistake will lead others to think badly of them; the performance aspect is intrinsic to their view of themselves." As much as I hate to admit it... I do think about what others think of me. And... Despite the voice of reason telling me that I am far more than my grades... the voice of perfectionism tells me that they, my academic performance, is "intrinsic" to how people evaluate me. I hope to look back on this entry one day, when the voice of reason conquers my psyche over the voice of perfectionism and its constant bondage.

"The truly subversive aspect of perfectionism is that it leads people to conceal their mistakes" and imperfections. Indeed, even typing this appears to me to be admitting a weakness, and thus in my mind I feel a certain cognitive dissonance about publishing this entry. For in doing so, I would be admitting that I have a problem with perfectionism.

"The pursuit of perfectionism is [a] … trap. Like the anorexic literally dying to be thin, perfectionism consumes more and more of the self. Among the many paradoxes of perfectionism is yet one more: It is ultimately self-destructive to devote all one’s psychic resources to oneself.” I do indeed feel consumed by an apparent ‘need’ for success. And I feel ashamed to say so. I feel almost selfish even, as though I literally am devoting all my mental resources to perfecting myself, and in that way, looking only inward – becoming absorbed by self. I feel the need to reverse this – to look outward rather than merely just in. To give. Is it not better to devote my mental resources to serving others? To give of myself rather than to take to myself? I pray for the courage to break this cycle of self-absorbed perfectionism that ultimately consumes self and drives into bondage, into slavery, where all resources are devoted to one sole cause – one’s own glory. I pray for the strength to give, to give of myself, and to rather devote my mental and emotional resources to serving others rather than seeking self-glorification

One final note from the Psychology Today article; this one goes out to all perfectionists: “Success hinges less on getting everything right than on how you handle getting things wrong. This is where reactivity, passion, and perseverance come into play. … You don’t make people powerful by pushing them to be perfect but by allowing them to become passionate about something that compels their interest.”

Success is therefore more than “getting everything right” or achieving high social status, fame, popularity, or monetary wealth. Real success is about being empowered and motivated by a cause, and maintaining that passion and perseverance even in the face of adversity and failure. Jewish author Rabbi Harold Kushner provides an interesting perspective on success, “If people only see what is measurable and visible, God sees into the heart. He sees successes where no one else does, not even ourselves.”